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Jul. 21st, 2017 12:58 am
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[personal profile] jhameia
Got out late, got to the office at 11-ish, and Emily wasn't free to write, so I had to plod along myself, which was hard. But after lunch, I got started on a really good clip. Inserted some pictures into my current chapter, and wrote more words. I'm a little over halfway of my second section, which makes me happy, and I'm thinking I might add in one more example? Right now I have six texts: three visual, three literary, and I'd like to add in an example that combines both. I'll keep plugging along and see where I'm at by the end of the weekend.

I REALLY wanted to go to the Nerds of Color meetup in San Diego tomorrow, but I don't think I can make it =( I'd need a place to stay, and it only just occurred to me that I could take a Greyhound down, but the times just don't work. SIGH!

Anyway it is 1am and I need to go to bed, blurgh.

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Jul. 19th, 2017 11:42 pm
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[personal profile] jhameia
My phone died overnight, having refused to charge without being babysat, so I decided, once it was charging merrily without my overnight but taking too long for my liking, that I would go to campus and do work without the phone. This turned out to be a very good thing indeed, because I wasn't tempted to watch it all the time. I've also logged out of most social media on my work computer, so that was nice too. Emily Jiang checked in with me around 11.30 for some writing, and that was nice too.

I still can't focus on the screen, it seems, so I switched to handwriting some paragraphs instead. This helped quite a bit. Except for some sentences here and there, I'm starting work on a new section, articulating the concept of minor literature in relation to multicultural steampunk.

I ate at the Getaway, taking laptop and writing book and pencil and eraser with me. Had a couple of slices of a pizza, packed the rest, got back to my office, and coughed up a couple more paragraphs. Then I went home.

Swam 16 laps today. Was gonna stick to 15, but thought I could push on just once more. I'm feeling, as [personal profile] oracne calls it, the Glow of Virtue, which I promptly ruined by eating a sponge cake. I finished my remaining sausages, too. I haven't heard back about the results of my blood test from yesterday, but I assume I'll hear back by the end of the week, and if there's anything big, the doctor will call me (which is what he did last time). But I'm really crossing my fingers that my blood sugar levels have dropped.

I have been very good and did not text anybody today.

I submitted a poem. It's been a while since I wrote a poem I felt good about, so that's nice. It might be a bit too sentimental, IDK, I like its tweeness, but maybe it's too schmoopy? Oh well.

I'm gonna try to make it to campus tomorrow for some more writing by hand, and I think I will leave the phone home again so I don't get anxious around it. Until my mini-USB port replacement comes, I'll use it as little as possible so I don't keep freaking out over recharging it and possibly aggravating the problem even more.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
[personal profile] jhameia
So, because I have no brainspace, I completely forgot to take down the address of the ophthalmologist I was supposed to go see, Googled last night, and took a Lyft to the wrong place. I had to take another Lyft, this time to the right place. It was a weird procedure. Lots of flashing lights and hooey eyedrops. On the bright side, the doctor says that my eyes look all right, no problems with the veins whatsoever.

On the not so bright side, my eyes are still dilated and my pee looks weird (because they have to inject dye into your bloodstream so that inspection of the back of the eye is possible). I have a headache as a result.

The eye specialist I went to was near Brockton Arcade so I meandered over to the pet supply store to have a look-see. I sighed at the dog collars, because I miss Puppergeist, and I regret giving him up.

I got home, had a couple of pieces of chicken, then went to campus for another doctor's visit. And I have to say, while I think Dr. Tran is a wonderful doctor otherwise, the first to take my complaints on concentration seriously enough that he suggested ADD as a possible problem (the diabetes was the first thing he felt capable of looking at), he was a bit too enthused about my weight loss for my comfort. OK, yeah, 15 pounds since I started (late April), but I don't know if that's such a huge accomplishment when my concentration is still shot to hell, and I could use all that time spent exercising and worrying about my food on the diss. Then again, the exercising and dieting is a decent way to procrastinate, I guess.

Anyway, I had to make calls and whatnot for a psychiatrist appointment, and the first available time is the end of August. EW! I need to defend by then! So, I'm kind of pissed that it's taken this long for this to even come up.

Tonight I'll be handwriting some of my dissertation, I think, because I just can't stare at the screen so much anymore. I've got a whole paragraph. It feels nice.

I also finished the sugar-free cookies I got last weekend, whoops.

Poetry: "rebuke"

Jul. 18th, 2017 04:04 pm
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[personal profile] jhameia
oh, my heart, you are not okay
you are not okay
lock yourself up again
that was safer
also less disruptive to
other daily operations

oh, stop making promises
that are not yours to make
i know that is what hope is:
crowns out of starlight
and petals dried in summer heat
blown away in the morning wind

you are too hungry to be exposed
one temptation and you are lost
if i do not cage you sooner
you will devour everything
and i do not care
to ingest more poison

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Jul. 17th, 2017 10:25 pm
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[personal profile] jhameia
In other news, I can't concentrate worth spit, I swam 15 laps today.

The Zagster station near my house (a parking lot by a sportsfield) had NO bikes today, so I walked to campus to scan a thing, then nabbed a bike near the closest residence to go to the bank and FedEx shop. This took a lot out of me, it seems.

=/ I don't know what to do with myself. I open all my files and stare at the words, and re-read everything I write, but somehow this is harder than it ought to be. It's very frustrating.

Vehicular Ponderings

Jul. 17th, 2017 10:05 pm
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[personal profile] jhameia
Because my brain will not concentrate today it veered into possible getting wheels of my own that is not a bicycle. I've been using the Zagster bikeshare here, but my knees apparently hate me and ache when I've been cycling anything over gear 5 and uphill or even just level ground. I don't know if it's possible for knees to build strength? Do they? Maybe I just need to keep at it and they will stop complaining like little mofos eventually?

But of course bicycles can only take you so far, and I have anxieties surrounding driving, so I looked into motorcycling classes, and turns out that there is a course serving Riverside where people learn how to ride and it's accredited so getting a California motorcycling license is possible, too. Even when I was a teenager I wanted to ride a motorbike over driving a car (even as I dutifully went for driving lessons, which were mostly fine, until a panic attack during my driving exam, and then a little after almost running over my own dog, and then a growing fear of accidentally dying in a box).

I however can barely fathom spending hundreds of dollars the way any vehicle would demand of a person, especially on a irregular basis for maintenance and gas.

I asked my sewing teacher about her bike riding experience (she rode a motorbike for like 30 years, and was part of an older-lady biker gang) but she hasn't ridden in some ten years. She still had some recommendations for me. I looked up used motorbikes on Craigslist and most Honda Rebels seem to be from ten years ago, ranging in the $1500 - $3000 range. I think I might be able to handle that? But then, one doesn't appear to take up motorbiking here in the States to save money.

Still, the thought of having motorized wheels that could get me from city to city, something I could do road trips with, is very tempting. If I snag a job for the fall, I'll definitely look into getting lessons, and see from there. There's an accredited training course, which looks cool (and there's a mix of men and women among the instructors) and affordable. It all seems very convoluted to my public-transit-loving brain, but maybe I can do it?

(no subject)

Jul. 15th, 2017 01:08 am
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[personal profile] jhameia
Yesterday after a long day of doing nothing and feeling terrible about it, I went to check out the University Village free concerts. I'd wanted to sit upstairs on the balcony overlooking the concert, but a security guard told me I couldn't, new management, so sorry, bla bla bla.

I did a lot of paperwork today. I scanned and printed (using the Sproul Hall printers for the first time ever) and sent my OPT application forms off to the international student center so they can nod and approve of it and tell me that yes, I can send it off to immigration.

Lindsay came to get me and we went for lunch at Best Thai. Been a while since I ate there. We then went to look for dessert- she wanted boba tea, and I wanted something sugar-free. Turns out that the store her students had recommended her and the store we Googled for sugar-free desserts were in the same plaza, conveniently.

The dessert place is called The Thinnery, and it bills itself as a sugar-free bakery, specifically for diabetics, and folks with heart conditions, weight watchers and just plain ol' folks watching their sugar, I guess. There was only one man working there--the only one left of his family doing the business (out of 31 years!) and he'd been cleaned out earlier, so I had to wait a bit to get the chocolate mousse brownie I wanted. It was very good. There were also sugar-free cookies, and I got those too (which also turned out to be very good). And a heat-damaged box of chocolates for half-price so I ganked that too.

Lindsay and I decided to go to Ontario Mills for some shopping. I'd been thinking about how most of my clothes fit but not well. I'd been staying away from close-sitting clothing for years because I have weird body issues (also because grad school left me with no energy to care about my appearance beyond professional), but these days I kind of crave short shorts, close fitting, with pockets, things I can wear to go for my long walks with.

We went to Uniqlo first, and I ended up with two pairs of gym shorts, a pair of dressier shorts that almost matched the one I wore into the store except one size down, a long skirt with POCKETS, and a bra. Not shabby. We also stopped by a store with the CUTEST makeup brushes and I just... couldn't... not buy a set. I don't even use makeup that often, but I really want to? I shall make an attempt. Of course I say that every couple of years...

We spent a LONG time in that mall.

I wanted to go swimming, but there were just too many people in the poo, and my period is still going, so I'm going to try tomorrow. But I also decided to try organizing my makeup basket. I think I have been successful but it also means I have to organize, like, everything else around it. I'm now sneezing because I've been touching things that have not been handled in a long time. I had to throw out a bunch of things, like a foundation that was the only really waterproof stuff I'd found, super useful when I did a lot of water shoots around Halifax. But now it just looks weird and ashy on me, so it needed to go. I should test a bunch of the eyeshadow too, though, but my face feels raw from all that testing the foundation and washing it off and raw so I don't feel like it.

Lindsay also remarked on how visible the weight I've lost is. I hadn't really been paying attention to it, since I'm more focused on learning to just eat less and get more movement in. Ideally I'd also be working towards a more toned body but my metabolism and lifestyle and general genetics do not incline my body that way, so oh well. But it got me wondering about how much I've lost since I started the diet and exercise thing in May. So I started pulling out things to wear that I haven't in a long time because the last time I tried, they were really uncomfortable to wear, or I couldn't button it up, or something.

Turns out it's enough that I can fit a BUNCH of old things I thought I'd have to give away. A Lip Service goth jacket I haven't worn in five years can now be buttoned up. It's still suuuuuper snug, especially on the upper arms (because goths always have thin arms I guess) but I can squish most of myself in now. I'm really impressed. My favourite gray skirt which had been too tight for a couple of years now sits comfortably around my waist again, which is really nice. Who knows what else I'll achieve. Hopefully not the need to buy a new wardrobe, though. There are still things I'd like to give away; I'll have things to bring to next WisCon's clothing swap.
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[personal profile] jhameia
So I did my 12 laps yesterday which was good--I almost felt ready for 15 laps, but I think I'll save that for next week because my arm muscles were starting to burn and I don't need them to hurt.

But on this day, there was a couple in the pool. In previous pool business there were a couple of kids in the pool. And I wouldn't care, whatever, it's a pool, it's big, I only need a small bit of it to swim to and fro. And I stick to the same spot as much as possible, and it's pretty obvious I am not moving.

Except for some forsaken reason, these folks do not seem to understand this?? They kept moving into my path, and I have to swim around them. FFS people there's THE REST OF THE FUCKING POOL TO HORSE AROUND IN GET OUT OF MY LANE!!!!!! And this means I have to wait for these idiots to get out of my way before starting my next lap, or swerving, or whatever, because they have no sense of perception that someone else is in the pool, and just, ugh.

(no subject)

Jul. 11th, 2017 10:17 pm
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[personal profile] jhameia
Well, another hot unproductive day. I slept at 1am, but then woke up at 5am, which is pretty horrific. Was too sleepy to function, so I napped after lunch for like three hours.

I did write a poem, though. Not sure where to send it.

A new friend from WisCon was free at 6pm for a writing session, so we did a couple of rounds, which was great, I am two paragraphs up.

I'm re-reading Ruth Frankenberg's White Women, Race Matters which was a seminal work in whiteness studies back in '93, for a definition of whiteness. Out of curiousity, I googled her, and found this obituary of her. She died in 2007, aged 49, which seems a huge loss. I'm thinking to buy a copy of this book, because I think it'll be good for future reference.

Had a schmoopy conversation today. I am allowed schmoopy things.

(no subject)

Jul. 11th, 2017 12:42 am
jhameia: ME! (Default)
[personal profile] jhameia
Things I did not do:

- work on my dissertation
- finish the OPT application
- clean house
- call the computer repair center to see if they know any smartphone repair centers
- make a doctor's appointment for bloodtest
- fold the laundry

Things I managed to do:

- make an ophthalmologist appointment
- swim 12 laps
- clear my writing desk
- have a difficult FEELINGSTALK conversation about something that's been bugging me
- sweep the patio
- do laundry

I really need to learn how to watch the water filter, though, because I forgot about it while making my appointment and a lot of water spilled over, oops. The bright side of the new water filter is that it filters junk water out, and I use that to water my plants. I think the potatoes are a no-go now, but maybe next planting season!

(no subject)

Jul. 8th, 2017 12:19 am
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[personal profile] jhameia
At 9-ish, after HAUGHing at the weather, not wanting to go to campus because around lunch I'd have to leave the office to find food, I decided that I would go to Coco's, order a bacon and eggs flatbread, because I know I cannot finish it in one sitting, and just sit there for hours, feebly trying to finish it.

It took me 4 hours to get through the whole thing.

Against my better sense, I also ordered a slice of cheesecake pie. I did not manage to finish it, even after two more hours.

I should have ordered clam chowder instead, and maybe fries. Except I'm not sure the fries would have been any better.

I have ~1000 words for my fourth chapter, many of which was not even written today.

When I left, I left a huge-ass tip because I felt so bad for the wait staff because I was so anxious about my writing I avoided eye contact with them almost the whole time.

I DID want to swim today, and thought I would save it for sunset, because it was still going to be a heinous 33'c in the evening. But I wanted to catch a Pikachu wearing Ash's hat so I did my long walk instead. Maybe tomorrow when S. and I go to UCSD I'll hike down to Black's Beach and go for a swim in the ocean? Or maybe not, and go to the Geisel library and work instead (which I never did last year).

My smartphone is having issues charging itself. I'll plug it in, and it'll charge for some time, but then, arbitrarily, it'll decide to just.... not charge. Like the USB cord is in, it WAS charging, but at some point it just stops. It'll recognize when the USB has been unplugged when I pull it out, but otherwise I can't figure out what's going on with it. I wonder if it has to do with the weather, and it doesn't charge so well in intense temperatures. But my laptop is also taking forever to charge fully, despite these being perfectly decent (and new) wires. I'm not sure what's going on.
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