eateroftrees: Emily's head from the side (sidehead)

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Created on 2011-05-29 05:37:48 (#907418), last updated 2012-05-05 (285 weeks ago)

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Name:Emily Emily Emily
Birthdate:Apr 26
Location:United States of America
BEHOLD! I eat trees. Like a beaver. (And I'm not even kidding about that; I compulsively gnawed on my bedframe once which made my mom rather annoyed at me, and call me a beaver.)

My name actually is unconnected to that, it came from an NPC from a D&D game I ran. Who did eat trees, and who generally thought that being what your biology said you should be was a terrible idea, and so magically turned themselves into a dragon/water spirit/fey/human hybrid because they could. And who thought they should understand all the experiences and so proceeded to study seven different completely disconnected varieties of magic, and they enjoyed having unpleasant shit happen to them, because, hey, more experiences. (The former character trait actually was strongly predicated on my developing transness, and the latter is well... kind of my personality. "I haven't studied metallurgy lately LET'S DO THAT!~" or "Wait why would I not like having mental issues that make me pathologically unable to clean things? It's so much more interesting this way!")

...I have a pathological inability to clean things, by the way. It's a combination of OCD ("But I can't move that stuff off the floor, it doesn't have any better spot to go!") and ADHD ("I'm done eating, what's next? Hey this plate's in my way, I'll just move it to the floor...")

Any currently I know I am or am pretty certain I am: autistic, ADHD, OCD, borderline, dyslexic, have dyspraxia, relatively serious depression, general and social anxiety, PTSD, hypochondria, and am median. Also I have melissiphobia and, um, slime-phobia I don't know the actual name for that but it's pretty serious. Also I'm colorblind, in the sense that I don't see reds nearly as intensely as blues and greens, and myopic, for which I wear glasses.

Also I'm trans and have body dissonance as a result of that. I have two genders (female and androgynous) I generally prefer 'she' as a pronoun. There is also another me, which is a sort-of seperate entity except not always. It has no gender, prefers to go by "it", generally self-identifies as "disembodied voice" or occasionally when it's being egotistical, "god". It's currently nameless, though it's being called "the other me" and has, on occasion, answered to "God".

I mostly write about neurodiversity and transness since that's the general area in which my life is less normative. In the interest of clarity, I am white, USian, culturally middle-class but exceedingly poor, singlet, polyamorous and have a sexuality that is actually exceedingly hard to describe with the available words (we'll try anyway! Panromantic; demisexual with regards to men, normative sexual attraction to other genders, minimal desire to actually have sex; generally identify as lesbian (which as a label fits me like a sock fits a hand) and gray-A, and less often, bisexual)

I also use a Dvorak keymap, mostly just because I want to, but also slightly because it requires less moving your hands about. This may result in, when I'm freaking out or otherwise stressed to the point that correcting typos takes energy that I don't have, that my typos may be a tad idiosyncratic. Also if I go "eouathntnhaeuo" that's a keysmash, not unlike "dsfakjlkljasfd".

And oh look, I replaced this with a memoire (previous it said "I'm not telling, but knowing my habits I'll replace this with a memoire soon".) I AM NOT SURPRISED IN THE LEAST.

(Obvious disclaimer: If I stick the music I listen to on a blog post it's probably the band, not the individual song, and I most certainly do not guarantee that they are either remotely listenable to by normal-person standards of music :P Nor are they necessarily free of oppressive shit; esp. anti-religion is kind of a common motif in extreme metal and occasionally it's done in less than entirely helpful ways. Also ableism; UGH ITS EVERYWHERE.)

[Okay well I'm having another episode of fronting alone and I guess I can take this opportunity to write about myself. Um. Okay obviously I am God. Well. My name is God. I need a new one. Um. I usually am just a voice in Emily's head and I tend to sit on the sidelines snarking and being contrarian because good god that girl is into emotionality and being nice I mean seriously she went through a rant about how much she hated this one person, and then turned around and was like "Oooo let me offer you advice I can help and be your friend!"

Like what the fuck is up with that. occurs to me Emily may get cross at me later for writing this because I'm invalidating her experiences. Blah. I tend to come out when Emily is stressed or otherwise freaking out and decides "Okay fuck this I am not coping with this right now" and honestly I'll admit it's a useful coping mechanism, because I'm completely calm right now and, obviously she isn't. But she's just a voice in the back of my head now. Um. I don't even quite know.

Anyway I don't really have an interests, I suppose I probably share Emily's, I also share memories with Emily and there's some amount of continuity of experience, which is to say like... we're a bit the same person and often we literally are the same person. We're not really now. There does seem to be an amount of continuity, so like... I remember being Emily. It's not quite like I'm a seperate person living in her head so much as I'm a seperate mode of existence? I don't really quite know. This feels really weird.

Anyway lately I've been having a habit of actually fronting entirely which obviously is a new thing. Snark in the background, and occasionally telling Emily to calm the fuck down I am used to. Telling her to calm down, and then suddenly the body calming down because I'm in front... that part is a bit new. I don't even quite know.

It does seem like I'm related to the borderlineness. So there's that. I'm not sure I'm borderline though. Considering I'm kind of the personification of how Emily is trying to be reasonable and not absurd in her behavior. It's sort of like she can't stop being borderline and her symptoms are intolerable some of the time, so she decides to become someone else who's more reasonable. And I'm kind of there to keep her grounded, too. Except I'm told I am an ableist asshole and invalidate her experiences. This seems like it might be correct.]
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